


Brother's Keeper

by ProsperDemeter



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily Dynamics (DCU), Family Feels, Gen, M/M, Other, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26601895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProsperDemeter/pseuds/ProsperDemeter
Summary: Original: I have lived with Bruce’s disappointment my entire life, I think I can handle an hour of yours, DamiTimmers: oh shitZombie: the burnTimmers: bet that stingsZombie: run that shit under cold waterRemix: ttTimmers: why did you type that lmaoZombie: lil nerd---Or the obligatory family chat fic
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Jonathan Kent & Damian Wayne & Colin Wilkes, Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Alfred Pennyworth & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Comments: 48
Kudos: 300





	1. Poptarts

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a happy story to write so... here we goooo. 
> 
> They're probably all ooc 🤷♀️

**_Let’s Chat _ **

**Remix** : we have a new cat

**Remix** : Meet Mister Whiskers

**Remix** : If you do not love him I will slice you from toe to nose. 

**Original** : Wow

**Original** : Okay

**Original** : Terrifying

**Original** : Bruce is okay will Mister Whiskers?

**Remix** : I do not need Father’s permission

**Remix** : I do what I want.

**Original** : … 

**Remix** : Do not tell.

**Remix** : He likes tuna very much. 

**Original** : kay babes 

**Original** : I’m an uncle. 

**Original** : Yay furry baby.

**Remix** : I am pleased. 

**Original** : Yaaaaay

**Timmers** : We’re out of Captain Crunch

**Original** : Go get more?

**Timmers** : Ew no

**Timmers** : Human contact.

**Timmers** : Never.

**Original** : Dude. 

**Original** : You beat up bad guys at night

**Original** : In spandex

**Timmers** : point? 

**Original** : You can handle the grocery store.

**Timmers** : Ew no

**Timmers** : people

**Original** : Timmy Tim Tim

**Original** : Tim Timmory

**Original** : Go to the store

**Original** : I believe in you!

**Timmers** : No

**Timmers** : I can order online! 

**Timmers** : yaaaay Amazon Prime!

**Original** : Timmers

**Timmers** : next day shipping

**Timmers** : woopwoop

**Original** : 😒

**Timmers** : I’m gonna eat your Reese’s Puffs 

**Original** : DO NOT

**Timmers** : Too late

**Original** : ugh I’m sending Jason after your cookies

**Timmers** : GASP

**Timmers** : Betrayal! 

**Original** : Revenge

**Original** : Don’t mess with me.

**Original** : I’m number one.

**Timmers** : He was Number One

**Original** : No. 

**Original** : You don’t get to win this one.

**Timmers** : Mwahaha

**Zombie** : There’s a tiny whale in Dami’s bathtub

**Timmers** : wtf

**Original** : Jay

**Original** : Jayman

**Original** : Sleep 

**Zombie** : no really

**Timmers** : Pic or it didn’t happen

**Zombie** : ask the demon child

**Original** : bby sleep

**Timmers** : Can I come over and pet the whale?

**Zombie** : you cant just go petting whales

**Timmers** : But if it’s small?

**Original** : No more coffee

**Original** : I’m cutting you all off

**Zombie** : THE WHALE IS REAL

**Timmers** : You broke him

**Timmers** : He found the caps

**Zombie** : HE IS IN THE TUB

**Timmers** : Pic or it didn’t happen

**Zombie** : my cameras broken

**Zombie** : i used it to punch riddler last night 

**Zombie** : or this morning

**Zombie** : what day is today?

**Original** : ????? 

**Timmers** : ahahaha 

**Original** : Sleep is a wonderful thing

**Zombie** : guys

**Zombie** : come see the whale

**Timmers** : Omw

**Original** : Don’t encourage this.

**Original** : Timothy. 

**Remix** : The whale is real. 

**Remix** : Her name is Elise. 

**Remix** : She does not like Mister Whiskers. 

**Original** : wtf

**Timmers** : omg perfection

**Zombie** : TOLD YOU

**Timmers** : GET FUCKED

**Original** : what

**Zombie** : GET FUCKED

**Timmers** : ayyy 

**Original** : seriously what

**Timmers** : Jay gets me

**Zombie** : I feel you bro 

**Timmers** : Why does Piglet smell? 

**Zombie** : I swear to all that is holy Tim

**Original** : Because he’s a pig? 

**Zombie** : Don’t give him an actual answer

**Remix** : Why? 

**Timmers** : because he’s always playing with pooh

**Original** : oh, Timmy… no

**Zombie** : uuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Timmers** : 😂😂😂😂

**Timmers** : 😂😂😂😂

**Timmers** : 😂😂😂😂

**Timmers** : 😂😂😂😂

**Timmers** : 😂😂😂😂

**Timmers** : 😂😂😂😂

**Timmers** : 😂😂😂😂

**Zombie** : someone take me out of this family

**Zombie** : i can’t handle it anymore

**Zombie** : the stupid is too much

**Original** : You love us

**Zombie** : No

**Timmers** : Jay with only three hours of sleep: ungh Timmy you’re so pretty I love you

**Zombie** : slander

**Timmers** : Jay when Dick’s beating up that dude that looks like an uncooked cabbage: yes you gorgeous creature break his spine in half 

**Original** : awe 😍

**Zombie** : why are you destroying me this way

**Timmers** : Jay when Dami literally stabs a guy in the gut: you’re doing amazing sweetie I am so proud

**Remix** : Affection. Disgusting. 

**Zombie** : fsdjfhsdjhfsdd

**Timmers** : Jay: I hAtE tHiS FaMiLY

**Original** : Timmy: lol bet

**Zombie** : My revenge will be glorious

**Zombie** : something like a gunshot to the foot

**Zombie** : or replacing coffee with over brewed black tea

**Zombie** : or telling Bruce you dropped out of college

**Original** : Jason no

**Zombie** : baking cupcakes and then purposely dropping them freshly frosted onto your carpet and stomping them so far down they stick to the fabric fibers and no matter how much you vacuum they remain

**Timmers** : lol bet

**Zombie** : smh

**Original** : @everyone who’s bringing what to family dinner tonight? 

**Remix** : If I, in fact, live with father, must I bring anything to dinner tonight? 

**Zombie** : bruce will be happy just to have my body standing in his dining room

**Original** : At least bring wine. 

**Zombie** : bruce has a whole wine cellar why would i bring wine

**Remix:** Father does have an expansive wine cellar.

**Zombie** : why do you talk like an eighty year old grandpa

**Remix** : Why must you type like you are an invalid?

**Zombie** : child i have a college degree

**Remix** : So does Timothy so it must not be that difficult to get one. 

**Origina** : Tim doesn’t have a degree? 

**Zombie** : yeh he does

**Original** : He literally dropped out of college?

**Zombie** : didn’t he get one years ago

**Original** : You mean when he graduated high school?

**Zombie** : wtf no

**Zombie** : i know i went to a ceremony 

**Original** : Yeah a high school graduation ceremony. 

**Zombie** : no

**Zombie** : i was the only one that went cuz the rest of you losers were off planet

**Original** : What

**Remix** : Yes, Timothy has the diploma hanging in the office. 

**Original** : You two are just fucking with me. 

**Remix** : I would never!

**Zombie** : Dami’s right he would never

**Zombie** : i’m pretty sure he’s physically unable to upset you without imploding

**Remix** : I would not implode!

**Zombie** : go ahead then

**Zombie** : say something that’ll upset him

**Zombie** : i dare you

**Remix** : … I do not wish to.

**Zombie** : HA

**Timmers** : POTSTICKERS

**Timmers** : I am bringing potstickers

**Zombie** : fuck yeh

**Timmers** : Jason, remember when you tried to kill me for like two years straight?

**Zombie** : lol yeh

**Zombie** : good times

**Timmers** : Yeah my friend saw the bullet wound on my back and asked how I got it. 

**Timmers** : So I told him the story of our first team up to take down whats-his-name-Frankenwolfstein and you literally put aside your homicidal tendencies long enough to take him down, shot me, and yeeted me off a roof into a dumpster full of trash

**Zombie** : those were good times

**Original** : 😶

**Remix** : Why did you have to let him survive, Todd? 

**Zombie** : i didn’t let him do anything

**Zombie** : lil bastard’s like a cockroach

**Remix** : How exactly did you convince someone to be your friend, Timothy? 

**Original** : Wait, Dem has a point

**Timmers** : whoa rude 

**Timmers** : You know, some people actually like me

**Remix** : Ha. 

**Original** : Wait no, not like that.

**Original** : Why were they looking at your back? 

**Zombie** : oooo

**Zombie** : oooOOOOOO

**Timmers** : smh

**Remix** : Disgusting

**Timmers** : Yes, your face is absolutely revolting.

**Zombie** : whoa dude

**Zombie** : take your burn from the last ten years and throw it out

**Timmers** : I could throw you out instead

**Zombie** : pls try

**Zombie** : i need the laugh

**Original** : Why did we dissolve into a fight?

**Timmers** : Dick, we always fight.

**Zombie** : fight me pls

**Zombie** : i am bored

**Timmers** : Don’t you have a job to do?

**Zombie** : i’m doing my job

**Zombie** : what are u doing

**Zombie** : just sitting in ur office like a pleeb

**Timmers** : Stop hacking into the cameras

**Timmers** : Hacking is my thing

**Zombie** : i’m not hacking anything

**Zombie** : look out ur window timmery

**Timmers** : What

**Zombie** : i’m comin for u 

**Timmers** : No

**Timmers** : Jason don’t you dare jump throdufhusfhuhsufshf

**Original** : Ooo he got ‘im

**Remix** : Destroy him, Todd. 

**Original** : Dami, no. 

**Remix** : Dami, yes.

**Zombie:** dick

**Zombie:** richard

**Zombie:** dicketh

**Original:** Jay

**Zombie:** i’m hungry 

**Zombie:** feed me

**Remix:** Feed yourself, Todd. 

**Zombie:** you know what pipsqueak

**Zombie:** i came first

**Timmers:** and died first

**Original:** Why

**Zombie:** i  _ did _ die first thank you timothy

**Zombie:** i died before it was cool to die

**Original:** It’s literally never cool to die

**Zombie:** then why did you all do it

**Zombie:** h u h?

**Remix:** Do not be lazy, Todd. Get yourself food or else your muscles with atrophy. 

**Timmers:** Damian, do you ever say things and then immediately ask yourself why you are the way that you are

**Remix:** Why would I? I could always be you.

**Timmers:** only in your dreams, kiddo

**Original:** What do you want for food @Zombie

**Remix:** Do not give into him, Richard!

**Zombie:** _ oreos _

**Timmers:** fuck now i want oreos

**Zombie:** too bad bitch they’re mine

**Timmers:** share? 

**Zombie:** no

**Original:** I’ll get you both a pack of Oreos.

**Timmers:** Dick is the real mvp

**Zombie:** i will allow you one hug in return for the oreos

**Remix:** I have never been more disappointed in you, Richard. 

**Timmers:** oh rip

**Zombie:** what ever will he do

**Original:** I have lived with Bruce’s disappointment my entire life, I think I can handle an hour of yours, Dami

**Timmers:** oh shit

**Zombie:** the  _ burn _

**Timmers:** bet that  _ stings _

**Zombie:** run that shit under cold water

**Remix:** tt

**Timmers:** _ why did you type that lmao _

**Zombie:** lil nerd

**Zombie:** _ timmery has a boyfriend _

**Timmers:** _ you b i t c h _

**Remix:** Why would I care? 

**Original:** Tell me it’s Kon

**Original:** Bart?

**Original:** you don’t have that many friends tell me when I’m close

**Timmers:** ghsguh

**Zombie:** you are on a  _ roll _ today, Grayson

**Original:** Kon?

**Original:** I’m going with Kon

**Timmers:** whispers:  _ you’re right _

**Remix:** Disgusting. 

**Remix:** As if I didn’t question your intellect already.

**Original:** aweeeee

**Original:** if he hurts you I’ll kill him. :)

**Timmers:** that smiley repulses me

**Zombie:** they will never find his body

**Timmers:** _ yikes _

**Remix:** I too would like to participate. 

**Timmers:** awe you little gremlin you do care

**Remix:** What a disgusting thought. Never mind. I will simply tell father. 

**Original:** NO

**Timmers:** NO

**Zombie:** N O 

**Remix:** Surely, father would approve? If he has indeed followed the custom of asking permission before asking for your hand. 

**Zombie:** _ asking for your hand _

**Zombie:** i’m dying 

**Original:** You better  _ not _ be getting married yet, mister!

**Timmers:** i am  _ eighteen _

**Timmers:** i can barely decide on a pseudonym let alone  _ marriage _

**Remix:** I do not understand. 

**Original:** You sweet summer child. 

**Remix:** I was born in Autumn. 

**Original:** You sweet autumn child

**Original:** They’re just  _ dating _

**Remix:** So he did not ask father’s permission?

**Timmers:** god i hope not

**Original:** He’s not going to ask for Bruce’s permission, Dami.

**Original:** it’s not really a thing that’s needed here

**Remix:** American customs are weird. 

**Zombie:** ain't that the truth

**Timmers:** ain’t

**Zombie:** i could end you, replacement

**Timmers:** god, promise? 

**Original:** Don’t.

**Zombie:** dick says no so i can’t

**Timmers:** damn

**Zombie:** raincheck?

**Timmers:** ofc

**Remix:** I am confused, are we disposing of Drake now?

**Original:** No they just like to play a game of who can piss me off the most in the next half hour

**Timmers:** it’s true we do

**Zombie:** facts

**Zombie:** in all seriousness

**Zombie:** guess i’m happy for you, timmytot

**Timmers:** that nickname is terrible

**Original:** What was that, Timmytot?

**Timmers:** literally choke

**Remix:** Do not threaten Richard, Timmytot.

**Timmers:** hgsughsug

**Zombie:** _ classic _

**_Baby Bird_ **

**Dami:** Did I do that correctly?

**Dick:** You did perfectly, thank you

**Dami:** Yay.

**Dick:** _ yay _

**_Let’s Chat_ **

**Timmers:** i have eaten only poptarts today

**Zombie:** which kind

**Zombie:** there are right and wrong answers

**Timmers:** smores

**Zombie:** not bad not bad

**Timmers:** strawberry

**Zombie:** treading on thin fucking ice, timbo

**Timmers:** why do i get all of the nicknames

**Original:** What do you have against strawberry poptarts?

**Original:** they’re wonderful

**Zombie:** sometimes you say things and i regret not shooting you

**Timmers:** don’t summon him

**Zombie:** right in the head

**Zombie:** lights out

**Remix:** What was that, Todd? You wish to die from my sword?

**Timmers:** too late

**Timmers:** threatening the one human Damian likes

**Timmers:** rip

**Zombie:** i ain’t afraid of no gremlins

**Timmers:** you should be, Jay

**Timmers:** this one bites

**Zombie:** _ bring it _

**Original:** stop taunting Dami

**Original:** you three are exhausting

**Timmers:** how does it feel to be old

**Original:** Eat more than poptarts please

**Zombie:** you live off cereal

**Original:** I

**Original:** okay point

**Timmers:** we all have terrible diets

**Timmers:** Alfred would be so disappointed in us

**Zombie:** speak for yourselves

**Timmers:** Damian

**Remix:** Drake. 

**Timmers:** so formal

**Timmers:** i’m going to see Kon this weekend 

**Timmers:** in case you want to come

**Remix:** Why would I wish to stay with you and your beau all day?

**Timmers:** _ wow _

**Timmers:** i meant to see Jon

**Remix:** Oh. 

**Remix:** Yes. That would be nice. 

**Original:** awe

**Zombie:** look a play date

  
  



	2. Nonsense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all so kind to me here take this and this 💛

**_Let’s Chat_ **

**Zombie:** question

 **Original:** yes

 **Timmers:** no

 **Original:** maybe????

 **Zombie:** i hate this family

 **Timmers:** that’s not a question that’s a statement

 **Zombie:** i wish i killed you

 **Timmers:** so do i

 **Original:** stop

 **Remix:** I wish you killed Drake as well. 

**Original:** secretly you love him

 **Remix:** I would never admit to such a thing. Even on my deathbed.

 **Timmers:** i support that commitment

 **Original:** I’m stopping by Gotham for dinner tonight, btw

 **Original:** who else is going to be there?

 **Remix:** I will be in attendance, of course. 

**Zombie:** no one has answered my question

 **Timmers:** you haven’t _asked_ your question

 **Original:** I said yes.

 **Timmers:** i will not be at the manor for dinner 

**Original:** date night?

 **Timmers:** i regret you ever finding out i’m with Kon

 **Timmers:** no

 **Timmers:** patrol

 **Zombie:** wear protection

 **Zombie:** on your date

 **Timmers:** jfc

 **Original:** Jay? Will you be at dinner today?

 **Zombie:** lmao

 **Zombie:** why ask when you already know the answer

 **Original:** I can always hope it’ll change

 **Zombie:** no, dick i will not be there

 **Remix:** We will not miss you. 

**Timmers:** that’s Damian speak for _we’ll miss you_

 **Remix:** I will not have these lies spread against me. 

**Zombie:** dude you’re like twelve

 **Zombie:** say yeet

 **Zombie:** _say it_

 **Remix:** Yeet.

 **Zombie:** that was so unsatisfying

 **Original:** looks like it’s just us tonight, Dami

 **Remix:** And father.

 **Original:** And Bruce, ofc

 **Original:** we can totally ditch him after dinner though to watch movies

 **Remix:** I do not wish to watch movies, Richard. 

**Original:** video games?

 **Remix:** Please.

 **Timmers:** _how do you speak his language_

 **Zombie:** _don’t point it out just watch it happen_

 **Original:** ofc! I’ll bring Spyro

 **Zombie:** fuck spyro is the shit

 **Zombie:** guess who’s gonna be a dinner now fuckers

 **Remix:** Why must you?

 **Original:** yay! 

**Original:** Timmery?

 **Timmers:** i still have patrol

 **Zombie:** _code for: getting laid_

 **Original:** please no you are a child

 **Timmers:** Jason 

**Zombie:** yes timmythyme 

**Timmers:** _why_

 **Timmers:** also you have an unhealthy obsession with my sex life

 **Original:** there is a literal child in this chat

 **Remix:** If you are speaking of me, I do know how fornication works.

 **Original:** oh _god_

 **Timmers:** you poor child

 **Timmers:** cursed with both Thalia’s devious nature and Bruce’s inability to understand jokes

 **Remix:** There was a joke?

 **Original:** it’s me

 **Original:** I am the child

 **Remix:** But you are the oldest?

 **Zombie:** how much does it hurt to see that damian doesn’t understand your jokes

 **Original:** _so much_

 **Remix:** That was another joke? 

**Remix:** It was not very funny. 

**Timmers:** _annihilation_

 **Zombie:** there has been a murder here today

 **Timmers:** funeral for Richard John Grayson will be held on Wednesday

 **Timmers:** for it is Waffle Wednesday at Tina’s Diner

 **Timmers:** and Dick loved Waffle Wednesday

 **Remix:** I do not like you joking that he has died. 

**Zombie:** man stop murdering our family members

 **Remix:** You would miss Drake?

 **Zombie:** it will kill me to admit it don’t make me

 **Remix:** Perish. 

**Zombie:** _make sure my body is never found so i can be on buzzfeed unsolved_

 **Original:** lmao you already were

 **Timmers:** _Jason Peter Todd, alive or dead_

 **Zombie:** _haunting the wayne manor? maybe_

 **Original:** _did he die by the hands of a jealous sibling_

 **Original:** that theory stung

 **Zombie:** don’t worry dickie we all know you would never kill one of us

 **Remix:** Which is a terrible choice, honestly. 

**Original:** _Damian_

 **Timmers:** stop trying to get Dick to kill me

 **Zombie:** try harder

 **Zombie:** it’s fun to watch you fail

**Original:** I just watched Bruce watch Damian feed mashed potatoes to the cat and the look of pure _exhaustion_ on his face was noteworthy

 **Timmers:** rip batdad

 **Zombie:** lmao batdad

 **Zombie:** have you ever called him that to his face

 **Original:** I think he would probably cry

 **Timmers:** i took him out for father’s day once and he had the bat-face on the entire time

 **Original:** Awe that means it meant something to him

 **Zombie:** so emotionally constipated

 **Zombie:** how did we end up able to communicate our emotions

 **Timmers:** we can communicate our emotions?

 **Timmers:** cuz like Kon said he liked me and i told him his ass looked nice

 **Original:** things I don’t need to know

 **Original:** why can’t you let me be the oblivious older brother, huh?

 **Original:** why?

 **Remix:** Are we speaking ill of father?

 **Zombie:** why, you going to tattle?

 **Remix:** No. 

**Remix:** I told him I wished to spend summer vacation with Richard and he looked as though he had swallowed a watermelon.

 **Original:** _wait you did_

 **Timmers:** you’re gonna make Dick cry

 **Zombie:** i didn’t know the kid had a heart

 **Zombie:** lmao 

**Remix:** He said he would think about my proposal. 

**Original:** i am so emotional

 **Timmers:** _i’m in a glass cage of emotion_

 **Zombie:** dick is the only one of us without emotional hang ups

 **Timmers:** don’t lie like that

 **Timmers:** at least i admit my problems

 **Original:** _You_? Admit problems?

 **Remix:** That is a funny joke. 

**Zombie:** timmy just getting stabbed on all sides today

 **Timmers:** _yikes_

**Original:** TimmyTamTam

 **Timmers:** you called?

 **Original:** how’s patrol?

 **Timmers:** it’s patrol???? Boring but not boring

 **Original:** slow night?

 **Timmers:** very slow

 **Timmers:** Bart and Cassie are playing hide and seek

 **Zombie:** i want to play hide and seek

 **Original:** remember when we played Marco Polo on patrol

 **Timmers:** and pissed off Bruce? Ofc

 **Zombie:** i think i was brought back from the grave simply to cause bruce constant headaches

 **Original:** Then you are living up to expectations

 **Zombie:** thank you a genuinely try

 **Timmers:** we all know you do, Jay

 **Remix:** Why are you texting during patrol, Drake? Does that not distract you?

 **Timmers:** _nah_

**Timmers:** some of us are cool enough to be able to multitask like a bamf

 **Zombie:** lmao did you just call yourself a bamf

 **Zombie:** cuz you’re the farthest from a bamf

 **Timmers:** i feel so attacked right now

 **Remix:** Good. 

**Original:** I didn’t mean for this to go this way, Tim

 **Original:** _so sorry_

 **Timmers:** eh 

**Timmers:** i’m used to it

 **Zombie:** join in hide and seek

 **Timmers:** i am

 **Timmers:** they haven’t found me yet

 **Timmers:** _and they never will_

 **Original:** atta boy

**Zombie:** wait i never asked my question

 **Original:** yes, Jaybird?

 **Zombie:** no i’m not asking now 

**Original:** _why_

 **Zombie:** because you used that nickname

 **Timmers:** what nickname

 **Timmers:** _Jaybird_

 **Zombie:** _i will shoot you_

 **Remix:** Do it, Jaybird. 

**Zombie:** _i will shoot all of you_

 **Timmers:** lol bet

 **Original:** Timother

 **Timmers:** _yes Dickiebird_

 **Original:** You would think that would bother me

 **Zombie:** you mean it doesn’t _scaly panties_

 **Original:** honestly no? 

**Original:** you’re frankly just not that original

 **Zombie:** these are fighting words, crotch stain

 **Timmers:** Jason _what_

 **Remix:** I am repulsed by you. 

**Original:** Wow that didn’t hurt at all

 **Zombie:** you know what will

 **Timmers:** _my bullets_

 **Zombie:** _my bullets_

 **Timmers:** ha

 **Zombie:** fuck you, Drake

 **Original:** Back to my original topic

 **Original:** patrol is going good? Slow but unproblematic?

 **Timmers:** yes big brother everything is going quiet and smooth tonight

 **Timmers:** and i am the hide and seek champion

 **Remix:** I could beat you. 

**Timmers:** you could try

 **Zombie:** dick’s mom energy is too much to handle

 **Original:** someone has to make sure you three disasters are taken care of

 **Timmers:** Babs

 **Zombie:** barbara?

 **Remix:** Alfred does well at his job. 

**Original:** I am _hurt_

**Zombie:** someone come get tim 

**Zombie:** he just sent me like twenty snaps in a row listing off _cool facts about pumpkins_

 **Original:** Let him talk. 

**Timmers:** _omg so pumpkins y’all_

 **Zombie:** you are from rich hill Gotham 

**Zombie:** don’t use that

 **Original:** _y’all_

 **Zombie:** _you_ i can see using that

 **Timmers:** _pumpkins are fruit_

 **Remix:** How long has it been since Timothy has slept?

 **Timmers:** only twenty three hours why

 **Original:** _Timmy_

 **Zombie:** womp there it is

 **Zombie:** i want to make pie

 **Timmers:** _piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie_

 **Original:** Jason if you make me pie I won’t hug you for a week

 **Zombie:** _for a day_

 **Zombie:** wait no 

**Zombie:** a week you said a week you can’t take that back

 **Remix:** You are all incredibly idiotic. 

**Remix:** Besides Richard, of course. 

**Zombie:** all right so no pie for damian 

**Original:** Remember when Clark told Bruce that he didn’t do enough bonding exercises with us

 **Original:** and Bruce took us to one of those haunted house things

 **Zombie:** and you hung on the chandelier yes

 **Timmers:** and Jason’s costume was him as his own ghost

 **Remix:** And Drake punched a father dressed as a clown when he asked him for the time. 

**Timmers:** in my defense

 **Timmers:** it was dark 

**Original:** And Jason kept trying to scare him by poking him and running off

 **Zombie:** that was a fun time

 **Zombie:** we convinced the news for months that the entire family was being haunted

 **Original:** Yeah, by you. 

**Zombie:** _it was beautiful_

 **Remix:** You would be a terrible ghost, Todd. 

**Zombie:** i would be a _wonderful_ ghost you mean

 **Original:** anyway

 **Original:** want to go again? 

**Original:** There’s a Justice League themed one opening in like two days

 **Timmers:** yes 

**Zombie:** sounds wild 

**Zombie:** let’s do it

 **Remix:** That does sound as though it could be some fun. Should we show up in our suits? 

**Timmers:** sometimes you suggest things that make me remember that i don’t completely hate you

 **Zombie:** can i go in my murder robin suit

 **Original:** _Jason no_

 **Zombie:** _jason yes_

 **Remix:** The one father keeps in a case to honor your sacrifice? 

**Timmers:** let’s not even talk about how weird that is

 **Original:** Timmy used to stand in front of it and _talk_ to you

 **Original:** when he first started out

 **Timmers:** _wow_

 **Timmers:** _that was uncalled for, Richard_

 **Zombie:** awe

 **Zombie:** thanks i hate it

 **Remix:** Sentimental. 

**Timmers:** _excuse you, Damian_

 **Timmers:** _but who was the one that couldn’t sleep when Dick moved out_

 **Timmers:** _until he gave you Zitka to watch over_

 **Original:** I’m calling foul. 

**Original:** I gave you all Zitka to watch over when you were younger. 

**Zombie:** sadly i can confirm

 **Remix:** I will not be ashamed. 

**Original:** you shouldn’t be, Dami

 **Original:** Tim’s just salty

 **Timmers:** _suhusdhfush_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I show the haunted house? Anyone?


	3. Haunted Hall of Justice

**_Let’s Chat_ **

**Original:** _ Wowie, Batman we’re in the Hall of Justice _

**Timmers:** _ Holy Justice, Batman look at those zombies _

**Zombie:** i am offended 

**Zombie:** i am a much better looking zombie than all these fakers

**Remix:** I have been told that my Robin suit is not  _ authentic _ enough. 

**Original:** Rude. 

**Timmers:** raise your hand if you’ve gone as Dick for Halloween

**Zombie:** 🤚

**Timmers:** 🤚

**Original: 🤚**

**Remix:** I do not understand the appeal of the lack of pants. 

**Original:** the  _ aesthetic _

**Timmers:** it’s called be  _ true to your character _ , Damian

**Remix:** Richard is not a character if he is a real person.

**Original:** awe

**Zombie:** your love affair with dick is disgusting

**Zombie:** i refuse to walk this haunted house with you

**Remix:** Who managed to convince father to come?

**Timmers:** ayyyyy

**Original:** Timmy with the save

**Timmers:** wait Dick went as himself for Halloween?

**Original:** yes

**Original:** I was and still remain very proud of that Robin suit.

**Zombie:** scaly panties

**Timmers:** you wore no pants too

**Zombie:** but at least my panties weren’t scaly

**Original:** I grew up in the  _ circus _

**Original:** don’t hate on me like this

**Remix:** I believe Richard’s Robin suit was made in such a manner to not inhibit his gymnastic movement while also honoring the lives of John and Mary Grayson. 

**Zombie:** you just suck the fun out of everything don’t you

**Timmers:** rip

**Original:** Dami 🥺

**Timmers:** omg we’re next in line

**Zombie:** _ omg are you jason todd _

**Timmers:** _ is that Bruce Wayne?! _

**Zombie:** bruce:  **_no_ **

**Remix:** A young woman just screamed because Richard smiled at her. 

**Remix:** I do not understand the youth today. 

**Timmers:** you’re… 

**Zombie:** _ you are the youth _

**Original:** Hahaha

**Timmers:** your jokes confuse me

**Remix:** Clearly, they are at a higher intellect than you. 

**Timmers:** i

**Timmers:** i have an iq of 1582

**Zombie:** only nerds know their iq

**Original:** so you’re a nerd? Good to see you acknowledge it. 

**Zombie:** _ ouch _

**Timmers:** _welcome to the Hall of Justice. This is where our esteemed heroes come to take a day off and relax after intense battles._

**Zombie:** this room is where hal and barry got into a fist fight over hot pockets

**Original:** please narrate Bruce’s reactions to events

**Timmers:** this is the whole reason we’re here

**Zombie:** why are  _ we _ paired with him

**Zombie:** _ why _

**Timmers:** i am not prepared for this ptsd response

**Original:** oh god we did not think this through

**Zombie:** i laugh in the face of danger

**Zombie:** _ right this way is where our heroes will come out to - _

**Timmers:** _ OH GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING RUN RUN RUNRUNNNNN _

**Timmers:** this acting is so bad i’m laughing so hard

**Zombie:** bruce when the zombies emerge from the viewing glass: oh no, whatever could have happened here

**Timmers:** Bruce when the “guide” starts being pulled backwards yelling  _ SAVE YOURSELVES _ : 

**Timmers:** a giant sigh

**Original:** Did Jay just scream?

**Remix:** Weak. 

**Zombie:** _ fuck you  _

**Original:** sdghsuhg

**Timmers:** Jay:  _ why did i bring no guns to this _

**Zombie:** well  _ why didn’t i _

**Original:** Because shooting civilians is frowned upon

**Remix:** I brought my katana.

**Original:** I thought that was a prop!

**Original:** Dami, you can’t bring actual weapons!

**Remix:** Why? What if there are actual zombies?

**Timmers:** he raises a valid point

**Original:** I can’t even say there are no such things when we’ve actually  _ fought _ zombies

**Remix:** Precisely. 

**Remix:** We must always be prepared. 

**Timmers:** you’re a boy scout?

**Original:** No, he’s a bat.

**Timmers:** oh point

**Zombie:** they’re letting us wander around ourselves now lmao

**Timmers:** here be zombies and other things 

**Zombie:** good luck fuckers find your own way out

**Timmers:** Bruce: the design of this hall of justice is all wrong

**Zombie:** bruce: there’s going to be a zombie barry in that room

**Zombie:** tim: this is the slowest moving speedster ever

**Zombie:** the actor starts running

**Zombie:** tim: wHaT tHe FuCk

**Original:** yikes

**Remix:** We are next. 

**Original:** _yes_

**Original:** oh  _ god _ this is cheesy

**Remix:** I do not understand. Zombies would not be able to break into the Hall of Justice. 

**Remix:** If they did it would have set off the emergency broadcast system and shut down the building. 

**Remix:** Tours would not still be happening to put civilians at risk. 

**Zombie:** god you’re as fun as bruce

**Original:** Tag yourself I’m the zombie with a half hanging on jaw

**Zombie:** i  _ am _ a zombie

**Timmers:** bitch we’ve all died once

**Timmers:** make like Elsa and 

**Timmers:** _let it go_

**Original:** Or perhaps just carry on

**Original:** _ into the unknown _

**Remix:** Do not unless you want to get lost in the woods. 

**Timmers:** did

**Original:** I love Dami. 

**Remix:** I suppose I feel the same. 

**Zombie:** i don’t like what this haunted house is doing to this family

**Timmers:** zOmBiE sUpErMaN

**Zombie:** kickhimkickhimkickhim

**Original:** _oh god we found werewolf Wonder Woman_

**Remix:** She apparently eats little children. 

**Original:** _ DAMI POINTED A SWORD AT AN ACTOR JSHH _

**Zombie:** supes:  _ braiiiiiiiiiiiinz _

**Zombie:** bruce:  _ you look nothing like clark _

**Zombie:** supes:  _ braiiinz-what? _

**Zombie:** bruce: i mean  _ oh no don’t eat me _

**Timmers:** ^ all deadpan

**Original:** wait we found a zombie Superman too

**Original:** are we just following you?

**Timmers:** we never found Wonder Woman so…?

**Original:** wait where’s Damian

**Remix:** I am stopping this Wonder Woman from getting anymore children to eat. 

**Zombie:** _ are you killing a civilian?! _

**Remix:** No. 

**Remix:** I am merely waiting for her to strike. 

**Original:** _ DAMI NO _

**Timmers:** we’re going to get kicked out of here too, aren’t we

**Zombie:** just stab her a little 

**Original:** JASON NO

**Original:** I have confiscated Damian’s sword

**Remix:** If you were not so much taller. 

**Timmers:** ha cuz you’re so short

**Zombie:** i love when timmath tries to act like he’s tall

**Zombie:** when he’s really the shortest of us all

**Original:** _ they couldn’t find an actor for Aquaman so he apparently got eaten by sharks _

**Original:** I’m 

**Timmers:** man where even are you

**Timmers:** cuz we’re somehow in the Young Justice hall now

**Zombie:** lmao it’s hilarious 

**Zombie:** bruce:  _ where _ is the exit even located

**Zombie:** bruce: this has gone on entirely too long

**Original:** fhsdiufhsdi

**Remix:** Richard just swore at a person dressed as Red Tornado as a vampire. 

**Timmers:** lame

**Zombie:** yeah tell it in a fun way

**Remix:** Red Tornado: you look good enough to eat. 

**Remix:** Richard: fucking hell you creepy motherfucker that doesn’t even make sense.

**Timmers:** better

**Zombie:** everyone says i’m the pottymouth in the family but look at dick over here swearing in front of a child

**Remix:** It does not make sense because he is a robot. 

**Timmers:** we got it Dami

**Remix:** You did not laugh.

**Remix:** It was much more hilarious than your renditions of father.

**Timmers:** _ bitch _

**Zombie:** dick’s reactions are predictable

**Zombie:** bruce reacts like someone that’s seen worse than this 

**Timmers:** i bet Dick grabbed onto you when he was saying it too 

**Timmers:** because the actor genuinely scared him

**Zombie:** ^

**Original:** _ I didn’t expect him to be there when I turned the corner. _

**Timmers:** got it in one

**Zombie:** VAMPIRE BATMAN

**Original:** N O

**Timmers:** _this is the best thing to ever happen to me_

**Original:** I’m telling Kon

**Timmers:** god do it i’m not ashamed

**Zombie:** batman: i want to suck your blood

**Zombie:** bruce: this is just sad

**Timmers:** batman: would  _ you _ boys like to join my…  _ vampire army of robins _

**Zombie:** _ and they hired a bunch of kids to dress as robin i’m screaming _

**Original:** _ I MUST SEE THIS _

**Remix:** I will infiltrate the army and take it down from the inside. 

**Timmers:** Jay:  _ zombie Robins versus vampire Robins who would win _

**Zombie:** clearly us we can go out in the sunlight

**Timmers:** Bruce: take them 

**Timmers:** Batman clearly caught off guard: what?

**Timmers:** Bruce: take them,  _ please _

**Zombie:** this mofo sacrificed me and tim i’m

**Timmers:** open the door: a chorus of children playing Robin and vampire Batman all start screaming about the “sunlight” that’s really just a hallway light

**Zombie:** are we done? 

**Zombie:** i think we found the exit

**Zombie:** bruce: no hard feelings, boys, i just really had to go to the bathroom

**Zombie:** _ bitch _

**Original:** WAIT WE FOUND VAMPIRE BATMAN

**Zombie:** FUCK IT’S NOT THE END

**Original:** _ oh shit _

**Original:** Batman: you are already dressed to join my army, how lovely

**Remix:** I told him he is a terrible Batman. 

**Zombie:** _ this room is fucked up n o p e  _

**Timmers:** it was so much fun

**Timmers:** until they made it a room full of dolls

**Zombie:** timmy got scared

**Zombie:** i can’t blame him though  _ this _ room is fucked up

**Original:** wait what’s in it?

**Original:** is everyone okay?

**Zombie:** yeah we’re out

**Zombie:** these assholes thought it would be fun to have the entire yj team dying in the doll room

**Original:** oh

**Original:** oh no

**Original:** Timmy

**Zombie:** bruce is going  _ off _ on the director

**Original:** I mean if this thing is okay for  _ kids _ you’d think they would just have them  _ not be there _ not…

**Zombie:** screaming for help and then dying before you can get to them? 

**Original:** maaaan

**Remix:** We will move quickly through that room, yes? 

**Original:** yeah, Dami

**Original:** Timmy okay?

**Zombie:** yeah i got the timmytot

**Timmers:** i’m okay

**Original:** that’s fucked up Tim

**Timmers:** i’m okay

**Original:** We’re going to get so much ice cream after this

**Original:** _ did Bruce just punch the director of this entire thing?! _

**Remix:** I believe he did. 

**Zombie:** b a t d a d 

**Original:** oh wow

**Original:** Don’t fuck with Bruce Wayne’s kids everyone

**Zombie:** this will be all over the tabloids tonight

**Zombie:** i can’t wait to convince the news the family’s being haunted again

**Original:** Jason why

**Zombie:** _ jason why not _

**Timmers:** we should set up one of these at the actual headquarters

**Remix:** Children will come. 

**Original:** ooo have options to not be scared? 

**Zombie:** have everyone hand out candy

**Timmers:** you can have a superhero escort to go through if you don’t want to be scared that can “scare off” the monsters

**Remix:** I quite like this idea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I don't like the ending 😪

**Author's Note:**

> Please, comments and kudos give me water to drink and food to eat. And both those things make me write more.


End file.
